In January I was due to have an op a pelvic excenteration to remove the pelvic tumour that had been discovered....the oncologist cancelled it....a year on and the tumour is playing up more than the ones in the lungs, so now I can have it done!
I went to see Mr George again to discuss whether he would do it, last January despite the condition of my lungs he offered me a 'second bite of the cherry' this time he was at pains to explain that he would not in anyway be curing me.....I knew that last time but you would never tell a doctor not to tell you everything is going to be ok even though you know it won't be. I nodded and agreed yes it isn't going to cure me but somehow a slow painful death seems preferable to a ........slow painful death. The tumour has for the last couple of months been making itself known just a bit painful here and there and affecting my bowels, but nothing I can't handle but I don't want it to get the point where I can't manage it at all.
So last time I was offered a choice of a bag or not....this time it doesn't seem worth having that option , if I have an ileostomy with a view to a reversal I might or might not manage the output that I would have with chemo and it may not be successfully reversed and I would be stuck with an ileostomy and it also takes time out of chemo in order to have the op to be reversed. So a permanent colostomy it is then....something I really didn't want at all.
Everything is to go .......a once in a lifetime offer, a hysterectomy, a colostomy and no repair vaginally as of course it isn't worth doing with a life sentence hanging over my head....this was on offer last time, but i do get the offer of keeping my bladder. This is just a keep you going a bit longer without pain job. Yes I knew this and no Mr George wasn't dismissive with me at all he was charming and helpful and to the point, but you can't help feeling that you've been put out to grass. All I will be good for is looking after my boys which is of course the whole reason that this surgery needs to happen. But I don't like it and I don't want it, except that I do want it.
The other pissy thing is the timing, I go in on the 24th jan which means that there is no way I can be around for joes 21st on feb 8th, he says its ok but I am gutted!!!
The one consoling thing is that I hope this produces another dramatic loss of weight, there has to be something to gain from this, oh apart from getting rid of a life threatening painful tumour.
