A....dam to ......Z..aki

Zaki

Or Zak as he now prefers to be called. Adam and Zaki both know that they dodged the name Noah a name that i still adore and wish i could have used, but i couldn't reconcile this with their dad and in Adam's case his name was the resolution to the problem, as much as he didn't want Noah i didn't want Jamal.

Zak was nearly Zacharia, then i had this flash in mind of his name scrolling through the Doctors surgery LED call sign and decided the name altogether was far too long so settled on Zaki. He ended up with Zaki Willard as his two names, following on from Adam Hawell...... Hawell the maiden name of my mum and soon to disappear with no male heirs continuing the line and Willard which was my maiden name, i had written to dad before he died and indicated that if i was ever to have another boy that his middle name would be Willard, i like to feel that this at least is something he knew of Zaki who was born three years after he died, Adam was three months old when dad died so he at least got to see him and know about him.

Zak didn't want to be born he was quite happy where he was, two weeks late like his brothers but still no sign, i had hoped for a home birth but he wasn't having it and in the end i had to be linked up to a drip that would after a few increases in dose get him moving so that within half an hour of the first painful pains he was born, at 8pm to the strains of coronation street as a tv had been left on in the room.

He screamed and screamed at being removed from his warm comfy space and has always been ready to speak his mind ever since.
I remember early on feeling like he was an 'old soul' he had that look about him as a baby and he has gone on to confirm my initial instinct. He has always been wise beyond his years and with an older head on young shoulders, not in the least due i imagine to being the youngest of three boys, but he does seem wise beyond his years sometimes and has found it very difficult not being able to do things like his brothers can.

Because of his age he spends the most time with me and is still at the age where i can still go out with him on my own which i really enjoy. He is good company although moody at times, we can have good conversations and he comes out with some interesting things to say at times. I feel for him though because since the age of seven my diagnosis has hung over him, but we don't dwell on it as i don't want it to be the marker for his life already.

Zaki in Luxor when i was taken ill 2007, his hair has never been this short since!

Zaki i think has got the looks of the family, he is more inclined to his brother Joe in looks and physique but where Joe has Hazel eyes he has brown like Adam, it is interesting how they turn out, some things so similar and then in other ways polar opposites!

Zak is also A Glasto kid, from age 5 he has been going every year bar one, thankfully the year that it flooded badly.  My friend arranged to have her 40th there but i was the only one who could get tickets so in the end i went with the boys on my own. It is now a regular jaunt and thankfully we have always managed to get tickets...mind you only because my friend seems to get onto the Internet each time and gets them for us.

Zak's first Glasto

He is also the best with the animals especially the dogs, i think because he was still quite small when they arrived, the other boys were a bit too old to appreciate them and they don't really bother with them much. The smaller dog Rudy sleeps in Zak's room with him and follows him around he chose Zak as his master.

Rudy Zak and Ringo

Rudy

Zak at the moment is talking about going to uni and working harder at school to get what he wants, i don't know if this will pan out his dream has always been to go to Japan, i would love to fulfil that dream before i go. I have this idea of travelling with him if i can get the funds, i have family in Oz and a best friend who emigrated just after i was diagnosed in NZ another friend in East Timor so it would be great to wander Asia and Australasia with him. The older boys have already been to OZ when they were younger although all that Adam remembers of it is looking up at a Koala which he did indeed do.

Zak Aug 2011 Skiddaw.

I would love to see Zak to 18 that's in 6 years! it seems a tall order but i don't think impossible, but i don't think i will get to see much more of him, mind you who knows....i haven't given up but you can't ignore what you are being told either. I think when i think about how the boys are affected i am most sad about his situation in relation to my cancer. 18 is no age to lose your mum, but it does vindicate my resolution to have three children...i am glad that he gets on with his brothers and that Joe already holds more of a father figure for him and is a firm but kind older brother because he is going to have to be there for him.
I have already started to work out what support networks will be available when i am gone again relying heavily on friends rather than family.
I have asked Joe's girlfriends mum to keep an eye on him, Adam will have support from his friends mum and family and another couple of friends of mine, and Zaki the people we go to Glastonbury with she is a great friends and i couldn't want a better person to be there for him.
 So there my boys and i couldn't be prouder of them and i couldn't want more to be around for them for the next 50 years!!!

The boys July 2011.